I was trying to count all those bulbous candies that never seem to get eaten by anyone when you asked me what you did and it rattled around and has settled inside my ribcage somewhere without a sound. It reminded me how much quieter this is than I thought it would be – I thought it would be much louder, or darker maybe, with a harshness or something but it’s not. It’s really quiet. Not the pin-drop eerie type of quiet or the calming snowfall quiet but the background noise quiet that is always there in the empty rooms, whether you’re there or not.
I think I’m nodding like that because one of the semicircular canals in my inner ear is misfiring or it could just be paroxysmal otolith dislodgment or maybe I’ve got aortic regurgitation but no I’m not nodding in agreement with you because I keep looking at that paper and there are circles that weren’t there last week and that ink is highly proliferative, anaplastic, malignant don’t you know.
Let’s see well, I’m living in places I’ve never lived before. For a while I lived in a tiny vacuum that took me everywhere. Which was convenient I guess except for the fact that I couldn’t feel anything or hear any of the people or the conversations or the bumps in the road. I miss those. Oh and then there was the wet place. Which was the worst because I had to keep wiping it off my face in the car or in class or when someone was speaking to me and I could see it in their face that they knew but just nodded and looked away.
The roommate is back and he scares the shit out of me.
When he first arrived months ago, I didn’t expect him. He just showed up one day. I remember I was sitting at my desk and heard the front door downstairs. I sat in my chair, terrified, listening to him walk up the stairs. I waited for him to open the living room door, but he never did. He just stood out in the hallway, waiting. He never left. Then I realized what was happening.
I’d never been so afraid of myself. I refused to let myself be alone. Until one day, I came home and realized the sun shining through the window and I could breathe again. I could see a future ahead of me. He was gone.
The roommate is back.